3 weeks in....

We've passed the three week mark, and we're surviving! Little Arthur is changing every day and we are getting into more of a rhythm together, learning his little signals and learning ways (sort of) to respond to them all. It really is a full time job. Holy moly this kid is beautiful - I can't stop staring at his perfect little face.

I want to warn you, this is a long post. But I need to get this out there - It's brutally honest,  but often honesty is refreshing.  It may help to reassure some other new mum, provide entertainment (or fear) to childless readers, or help to prepare an expectant mother... It helps me as well, just to write it down and reflect on how far we have come.

For those who don't have a spare 10 minutes, or those who don't really fancy reading about feeding a baby, you can just check out these pictures and then close off. I won't judge.

Hey lady, stop taking photos. 

For those still reading... Get ready... It's a novel.

BREAST FEEDING. Holy sh** I had no idea what I was in for.

It's like an unspoken thing amongst mothers - the struggle with feeding. Everyone shares their labour horror stories quite freely, but I'd never been told the pain and challenges you can encounter in breast feeding. AND it's more common that you'd think... Of course there are some mothers who get off to a great start and never have to go through this - but it all boils down to the support you have, your anatomy and your baby. 

Would you believe me if I told you that feeding has been harder and more painful than labour? And that's a pretty much drug free natural labour for an 8 pound 7 baby...

There have been some massive ups and downs in these first few weeks. Many many tears of anger, frustration and pain. Visits to the doctor, visits to the A&E, lactation consultants and chiropractors... it's been busy.  Photos on a blog don't really show all of that. You just see pictures of an absolutely adorable baby sleeping (I can say that I'm his mother).

As soon as Art was born he was thrown onto my chest and remained there for two hours. He wriggled his way down my chest using his beautiful newborn instincts and found my left breast and latched on. The assisting midwife was also a lactation consultant and I remember her talking about the basics of a good latch and explaining things to Mr D while I sucked on the gas for dear life whilst being 'repaired' down below. Naturally I wasn't paying attention to what she was saying...

From there on, I was in a busy hospital, with a good, healthy baby and a limited number of staff on call. It's fair to say I was considered low priority. Every so often a midwife would pop in and give me feeding tips and say - Great Latch! Yes, perfect!... and I was feeling really good about it all.

That was until I woke up one morning with my nipples stuck to my nightgown. Too much information I know, but I'm trying to paint the picture. It was nasty. Someone had eaten my nipples. There were bits missing, there was blood, it was NOT pretty. That, on top of engorgement, was just the beginning of this painful journey.

For the first few days I wasn't feeding correctly and with the damage came pain, extreme pain, which made me hesitate when he was trying to latch on. This is not a good combo when you have a baby screaming with hunger. It was HORRIBLE. He'd get close... huffing and puffing with hunger, and at the last second I'd pull my boob away saying "I can't do this, I can't do this", so naturally he became frustrated and would work himself into a state.

We came home from Birthcare and I fed him through the tears and gritted teeth (my jaw actually ached), thinking - this can't be right! Why can't I do this? It's a natural thing between a mother and child and I can't do it! I'm hopeless, useless, broken and failing him...  I have to feed him. I'd get angry at Art crying and arching his back. We'd fight with each other. He'd strike out with his sharp little fingernails and grab my wounded boobs and I'd scream out (actually scream) in pain and quickly pass him over to his Dad while I sobbed and sobbed. Not pretty. It was relentless - this battle happened every 2- 3 hours, and with little sleep I wasn't well equipped to cope with it all.

Poor Mr D watched on hopelessly, wondering if this was it - this was what it would be like with Art and I, and started to question whether we should look for other solutions.

Cue my amazing friend. Hanna. Lifesaver. She said "get out the pump, start pumping, start healing and ring the obstetrician!"

I reluctantly hooked myself up to this horrible pump and started to relax as I saw milk flow into the bottle, knowing that Art could be fed, and we wouldn't need to fight for once. The obstetrician confirmed that I needed to start pumping and let my body heal and to stop worrying about 'nipple confusion' and just feed him while we worked out what was wrong. It wasn't easy - I felt again that I was failing him and craved the closeness of breast feeding. I cried again... I was becoming a pro at this crying thing.

My poor sister had flown over from Sydney to meet Art and walked into my lounge only to be confronted with me breastfeeding, whilst crying... followed by more tears after the feed, followed by her having to cancel her Friday night plans to drive me to A&E to show the 100th person that week my horrible nipple situation. I'm sure I shocked my poor sister. I had searing hot pain shooting through my breasts after each feed which just intensified to the point where I just lay down with my shirt open sobbing, and thinking this isnt' normal!!!! this isn't a beautiful breastfeeding experience you see on those stupid DVD's. Again I would sob and sob, dreading the next time Art would wake for feeding.

It really wore me down.

BUT this story has a happy ending. I did a few things which helped, and have maybe some tips for other expectant mums who are planning to breastfeed. I'm still an absolute amateur at all of this, and every baby and person is different, so take the advice with a grain of salt... it won't work for everyone. This is not Gospel. Just my own experience.

Ask the experts for help.
I went to a lactation consultant for a one hour session, which is free of charge at Birthcare. Within 10 minutes we had a perfect, pain free latch and a wonderful hour long feed on both sides. It showed me that we could do it. I'm not blessed with optimum breast feeding nipples, so she was able to help me understand how to get a better latch to counteract this. I can't believe I'm blogging about my boobs...
Also, when you're in the hospital, buzz a midwife to come and watch you while you latch. They don't mind doing this, in fact they tell you to. If it's not right, they will make you take it off and correct, so you don't start bad habits. I didn't do this enough... I'd just show them my latch after Art was on...

If you're not feeling right, go to the doctor
 I went to the GP after advice from the midwife and a swab revealed I had a staph infection, so I had some antibiotic ointment for that. Not everyone will have this, so it's not really a tip. But if things don't look good, it is advisable to get swabs done to check you don't have infections so you can get treatment to assist healing.

Make sure you and your baby don't have candida 
We diagnosed that both of us had Candida in our system which was causing some intense burning for me and a white coating on Art's tongue. We started treatment for that - huge relief!  The burning was so so bad, so fixing this made a huge difference for me, so in between feeds there was no pain anymore.

Remember, birth can be very traumatic for your baby
The biggest breakthrough of all! 
We went to the chiropractor/kinesiologist who quickly established that poor little Art had a sore shoulder, neck and collarbone, from the birth, meaning he only liked turning to one side. Hence why he wouldn't face my boob to latch on, and why he would cry every time I tried (quite forcefully) to get him into the correct position. Poor little guy! With some small, gentle adjustments he suddenly started to move his head freely from side to side and lift his left arm with more force. It was incredible!
This changed my baby completely. I came home with a different little guy in my arms, it blew me away. I would always suggest taking your newborn to someone you trust to check them over post birth and ensure everything is aligned and your baby has no pain. I got treated too which is important, because your body has been through so much. If anyone is interested in this here is the clinic I go to. I have been going to Carina for over ten years for everything health related. It's worth every cent. http://www.chiropractors.co.nz/

Invest in one of those overpriced breast feeding pillows 
I got a proper breastfeeding pillow last week, so I could get into position quickly to feed, rather than try to build a fortress with the sofa cushions each time I went to feed. I got this one  Milk Bar Feeding Pillow. Before the baby, I was like "come on... how can you justify paying that for that!"It's worth it... well I think so anyway.
I have seen others around, choose one that suits your body. I didn't like the ones that felt like wearing a floating ring pool toy around my waist. TAKE THE PILLOW TO HOSPITAL! start using it from your first feed.

Have a pump on hand if you're going to breastfeed
I hesitated because I thought the bottle would confuse Art and I was worried all of the pumping would make my engorgement worse. Good news.. it didn't! The pump still hurt a bit as I was really tender and sore, but I was able to pump a good amount of milk for Art to feed him every 3 hours. I just felt like a dairy cow and missed the cuddle that went with feeds. BUT it worked! he was fed, he slept, I started to heal and it just gave me a break from the pain. I had to pump a bit in the first day or so, so I was one feed ahead (to take the pressure off). This way, when Art woke hungry, I'd feed him the bottle I'd pumped earlier, and then start pumping myself, so I was still working off his demand.

TOLD YOU THIS WAS A NOVEL!!!

SO! Week 3... coming up to week 4. We are exclusively breastfeeding. No pump, no bottles and we are getting pain free latches with most feeds (still not perfect). We still struggle a little bit on the night feeds when I'm tired, he is tired and it's darker. The biggest break through is that I don't dread feeding him anymore. When he wakes I get excited about seeing his beautiful little face, and smiles!!!!I then get into position and quickly latch him on, easily and he happily sucks away. I can feed him in a room full of people, or when we're out and about. It seems like such a stupid thing to be happy about, but given the pain we went through, it truly is the nicest thing.

In reflection.. 
I am fortunate to have a beautiful thriving baby, and a good milk supply. I'm glad I persevered, and sought help for the issues I was having and was able to continue feeding Arthur. I know others aren't so fortunate, and it's important to remember this when I sometimes do get a less than perfect latch, or some discomfort from feeding. It's still early days too, and there will be other challenges ahead (like sleeping!), but I'm sure it will improve each week.

On a side note: 
I'd also like to make my own DVD about breastfeeding for new mums, rather than this beautiful, natural, stupid one that you see. I want one with a mum crying, kicking her feet and applying lanolin cream to cracked nipples, and wincing when putting on a bra. I'd then finish the DVD by showing a mum a few weeks later with established feeding, to provide hope to new mums.
THAT would have been more help to me. I'm embarrassed to tell you how often I watched you tube videos on 'latching" ...

That's enough honesty for one day. Time to feed this little guy.